Title: Bad Translations From Places Afar

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9&11 am daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel for skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On a menu in a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On a menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience we recommend coourteous, effecient self-service.

In a Bangkok cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Hong Kong dress shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the porter.

In Germany's Black Forest: It is strickly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men & women, live together in one tent unless they are married for that purpose.

An ad by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czech tourist agency: Take one of our horse driven tours--we guarantee no miscarriages.

Ad for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride your own ass?

On a faucet in a Finnish restroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin.

On a box of a clockwork toy in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop--Drive sideways.

Swiss mountain inn: Special today--no ice cream.

Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

Tokyo bar: Special cocktail for the ladies with nuts.

Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find that they are best in the long run.

Japanese instructions on an air conditioner: Cooles & Heates. If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking; Here speeching American.

A sign on the lion cage at a zoo in the Czech Republic: No smoothen the lion.

A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire: If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

A notice in a Japanese hotel: Please not to steal towels. If you are not person to do such, please not to read notice.